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After the Affair: 10 Tips for Rebuilding a Marriage

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Infidelity can shatter even the strongest relationship, leaving behind feelings of betrayal, sadness, guilt, uncertainty, and anger. For married couples who experienced infidelity in their relationship, it can be extremely difficult to both forgive as well as overcome. Although it may be difficult for partners that have been cheated on to forgive or get beyond the affair once it has been discovered or revealed, it is possible. Partners that are able to put the hurt and betrayal of the affair behind them can emerge as a stronger and more cohesive couple.

Unfortunately, for many couples, the weight of an affair can prove too big to overcome. Whatever the reason for the affair, the effect of infidelity can be devastating on a relationship. Partners that are “stuck” in their pain and animus following betrayal in their relationship often experience a breakdown of the relationship. Learning how to appropriately communicate thoughts and feelings is an essential first step in getting beyond the pain of an affair. Understandably, once an affair is discovered partners struggle with understanding why the affair occurred, the “signs” they missed, what they should have done differently, etc. There are many different reasons why someone might have an affair, reasons that may not be readily available to both the partner that has the affair and the partner that was cheated on.

Sometimes it is purely a case of poor judgment — a person may feel satisfied with their marriage, but a late night at the office with a co-worker and a couple of glasses of wine can lead to a lack of impulse control. More commonly, it’s a search for an emotional connection — wanting someone to pay attention to you, be attracted to you, or compliment you. Although the personal examination may seem impossible to do following an affair, both partners must examine the role each played in the affair. Examining personal roles in an affair is a delicate dance as it is often hard for the partner cheated on to see his or her role in the affair. The breakdown of communication and intimacy in a relationship lies with both partners, therefore, it is important to engage in a personal examination of individual roles to best understand an affair. However, the spouse that had the affair needs to be willing to discuss what happened openly if the betrayed spouse wants to do that. Understandably, the spouse that has been cheated on may want to talk about the affair in detail, e.g., how his or her partner met the person they cheated with, how long the affair went on, was the individual “better” than his or her spouse, etc. As difficult as it may seem, the cheating spouse must be willing to answer questions about the affair that are both difficult and uncomfortable.

Affairs have the potential to crack the foundation of a marriage, breakdown communication, and destroy trust. Issues with trust can run so deep following an affair that the individual that cheated has to be willing to be accountable for his or her whereabouts, even though he or she thinks that may be unfair. There needs to be a willingness to make promises and commitments about the future, that an affair will not happen again. Too often, the person that cheated wants to quickly put the affair behind him or her, however, he or she needs to honor the timetable of his or her partner. The person who had the affair must examine the personal reasons for straying and what needs to change to avoid the temptation in the future.

As for moving forward, both people in the relationship should take responsibility for rebuilding trust, improving communication, creating barriers around their relationship, and enhancing intimacy.

Cheating Partners can Heal from The Pain of an Affair by Doing the Following:

• Talking about the Affair openly and honestly with your spouse

• Avoid blaming the person you cheated with for the affair

• Take ownership of your role in the affair

• Apologize for the hurt and pain you caused by having an affair

• Answering questions from your spouse about the affair regardless of your personal comfort

• Be willing to accept that you may need to give your spouse time to heal from the affair

• Understand that trust has been broken in the relationship and you may need to account for your whereabouts for a while

• Create a new meaning of intimacy in your marriage

• Work with spouse to create new rules for the marriage

• Agreeing to have no further contact with the person involved in the affair partners Cheated on Can Heal from the Pain of an Affair by Doing the Following:

• Avoiding a rush to judgment

• Forgiving their spouse too quickly

• Setting new rules in the relationship

• Ignoring Aphorisms (once a cheater always a cheater)

• Telling friends and family about the affair, especially, if you have not had the opportunity to process it

• Assigning the blame of the affair on the individual your spouse cheated with. Remember your spouse is the one that made the commitment to you, not the person he or she cheated with.

• Avoid comparing yourself to the other person

• Understand your role in the affair

• Redefine Sexual Intimacy

• Refrain from tit for tat behavior (having an affair to get back at your partner for his or her affair) • Rush to seek a divorce

• Rule out marital counseling

• Work with spouse to create new rules for the marriage one of the greatest hurdles in the healing process following an affair lies between the sheets.

Often, a couple feels like the other person remains in the middle of their relationship, preventing them from trusting each other, engaging in a healthy display of affection, and waiting for the next opportunity to invade the marriage. The phantom interloper can have dire consequences on the marriage.

The unfaithful spouse often feels pressured to please in bed, leading to distraction and low performance, which the hurt party, already injured and insecure, interprets as a lack of interest, desire, and physical attraction.

The best way to put an affair behind you and come out stronger is to receive marital/relationship counseling. Counseling allows couples to talk about their relationship and the affair in a non-threatening environment. Spouses can learn the skills needed to improve communication, build trust, enhance intimacy, strengthen the foundation of their relationship, and decrease the likelihood of an affair in the future.

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2 Comments

2 Comments

  1. Pingback: How to get over a nonchalant partner - Bossmeek Media Blog

  2. Zelord

    February 10, 2020 at 11:39 am

    Dope as cute

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Relationship

10 Tips On How To Make Your Man Feel Loved

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The act of showing love in a relationship should not be limited to men alone as women also have some roles to play in order to make their lovers feel loved.

Men are not stones. They deserve to be loved. They also have feelings and emotions, therefore, women should always be ready to make their men happy everyday in order to achieve and maintain a healthy relationship. This is not limited to married women alone as it also applies to young ladies who are in serous relationship.

However, the following tips are what you should try in order to make your men feel loved:

  1. Always support him: Being supportive is one of the quality of a good woman. If you’re not ready to support him and his dreams (no matter the quality of that dream) then you’re not helping him at all. Real women are always ready to support their spouse with everything they have.
  2. Appreciate him: Don’t take him for granted when he buys a gift for you. Appreciate him even though the gift may be too small. This is one of the way to make him feel loved everyday.
  3. Apologize after a misunderstanding : You know men always have this ego, you should try to understand that and be ready to role with the tides. Tell him “I’m sorry” even when you’re not the one at fault — this will always make him feel special to have you.
  4. Always tell him the truth : you are not helping matters if you always feed him with lies— he will not trust you if you’re a purveyor of lies. You should always try to tell him the truth so he can build confidence in you. Telling him the truth always will make him feel loved by you.
  5. Compliment him: Always make him feel good with romantic words like “you’re my light” “you’re my king”, “you’re special to my world.” Show him some loves when he dresses well, tell him you like his dress. He will be so happy if he finds out that his woman is always proud of him.
  6. Always advise him: you shouldn’t just be a side object to him. You should be his adviser. Offer him advice whenever he tells you his problems. Also, once you find out that he is in a problem, always try to find a solution to it.
  7. Be the first to wish him on his birthday and special days: this should just be a reminder because I knew many women always have it in mind to be the first to wish their partners on their birthdays. You should always try to text him in advance before his birthday too. Surprise him with gifts: giving him gifts should not only be done on his birthday alone, but also when you feel like. This will make him believe that truly you love him.
  8. Take him out on weekends and special days : Tell him you want to take him out for dinner and see his reactions. Do it constantly and see how much he will feel loved.
  9. Don’t speak harsh words to him: Avoid speaking harsh words to him when you’re upset. Rather, correct him with just simple and humble words, this will surely make him happy.
  10. Respect his friends : Some ladies find it too difficult to respect their lovers’ friends which is not good. You should consider the fact that he met some of these friends before he met you. So, respect his friends in order to make him feel loved. Considering the above simple tips will surely make him feel loved and you’re also maintaining a good and stable relationship if you consider the tips.

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How To Make A Long-Distance Relationship Work

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You have found the one who really loves you, who cares so much about you and you want to be with them, but the problem is, there is no physical contact.

Long-distance is one factor most people consider first before going into a relationship. While some think it is the best option that works for them most and are ready to dive into it, some confess not welcoming such an idea due to the fact that loving and trusting someone who’s miles away is not enough.

Long-distance relationship comes with some advantages as well as disadvantages.

I carried out a little survey on Facebook and I came to realized that people have different opinions about the kind of relationship they want to have, especially when it comes to having intimacy with someone they love.

Oyindamola from Ibadan indicated, “I love long-distance relationships because it helps you know how much your partner wants to be with you. It makes you not to be too much available. It entails lots of sacrifice and attention.”

Another user, Debby from Markudi said, “I prefer long-distance relationship because I’m this busy type and it helps me to concentrate well. At least, I won’t have to close from work and be thinking of going to pay an emergency visit.”

Abisola from Ilorin, on the contrary, thinks it is not really a good idea to go into a long-distance relationship, she said, “at times your mind won’t be at rest, thinking ‘what can your partner be doing where he is.”

The truth is, for most of us, keeping a long-distance relationship is not easy, it demands some level of maturity, responsibility, commitment and trust. If you find yourself in such a relationship, let these pointers which I gathered during my research guide you through the lovey-dovey journey to maintain a stable, healthy relationship.

1. Communicate

Communicating as often as possible helps you keep tabs with your partner. There is this form of intimacy that jogs along when you share things with your partner. Even for those who stay within the same geographical location, if communication is missing in the recipe, something is about to wrong with the relationship.

To make your relationship work, make it a point of duty to have a meaningful and steady conversation with your partner, which could be through phone calls, text messages, video calls, you can even write each other letters, a way to break away from the norm. However, do not frustrate your partner with calls and texts when it is obvious they are not in the right mood for conversation, sometimes, a ‘me time’ is needed (a ‘me time’ should not persist for too long either). Talk about how your day went, the friends you made, the projects you are working on and so on.

If you notice some changes in your partner, communicate it to them. Nobody is a mind reader, so you don’t expect your partner to know what’s on your mind without saying it out.

2. Be Committed

Another recipe on the table is commitment. Being committed to the relationship keeps naysayers and other third parties off.

“Long-distance relationship isn’t that easy, but the distance doesn’t have to ruin your relationship either. With the right commitment and communication, a long-distance relationship can actually be more stable than a geographical relationship,” Olubusayo from Cairo stated.

If you are committed to your partner, it will be very challenging for anyone to change your mind about the decision you make. It will also make sense to make your partner understand how committed you are to them and the relationship, this will help put both of you on the same page. I’ll always say this to anyone who cares to listen, if you’re not ready to be committed, don’t even think about it, unless both of you agree it’s going to be a platonic relationship.

3. Trust Your Partner

Will I be committing a fallacy if I say this is the most important tool needed to make a long-distance relationship work? In fact, not just a long-distance relationship, every relationship needs trust to thrive.

To make a long-distance relationship work, you will need to kill every form of insecurity. Being insecure is caused by the absence of trust. When you start having trust issues, there is a storm coming.

When things are not going the way you expected, for example, if you call her phone and she’s not picking up, don’t jump into some crazy conclusion, like, I knew this would happen, she’s seeing someone else” or “she’s definitely with another man, that’s why she’s not picking up her phone.” Instead, find some trustworthy excuses for her even before she explains what happened, like maybe she’s busy at the moment, or she’s charging her phone somewhere. Don’t just read into things. Once you start doing that, you are losing the trust you have for your partner. Instead of assuming your partner is cheating on you when something upsets you, talk to them about it and let them know how you feel.

4. Create Time To Visit

They say “out of sight can lead to out of mind.” It is important to note that creating time to see each other once in a while helps you renew your relationship. When there seems to be slack in your relationship, you feel like new lovers when you meet and see eye-to-eye.

When you visit your partner, make it worth a while, have fun, spend quality time with each other, make every moment of being together count, spend that moment like it’s going to be your last.

Not seeing your partner for too long can make either of you lose interest in the relationship unless you feel comfortable with it.

Also, there should be a return date. If you happen to be really far away from each other, it is necessary to have a return date. Knowing the day you will finally get to see again gives you hope. It doesn’t make sense when either of you asks the other when they would be coming back home and there’s no specific date, this can make you feel despondent. Esther who lives in Akure said, “I can’t go into a long-distance relationship if nothing is promised.” If your relationship lacks hope, it can’t work.

5. Spice Things Up

During your late-night calls, talk about things you wish to do with each other, how you want to be kissed, touched, smooched and fucked. Unleash your beastliness and dirtiness. Share your fantasies with them

Talking dirty (Sexting) with your partner makes your relationship less boring. It builds excitement and anticipation between you and your partner. You may not be physically together, but when you act like you lying next to each other, it creates a special kind of pleasure and passion.

6. Remember Why You’re In The Relationship

Sometimes, you may want to double-check if you’re making the right choice by choosing someone is thousands of miles away. Knowing why you’re in a long-distance relationship keeps you track, it reminds you why you need to keep going, giving it all you can, because it takes an extra effort to keep the fire burning. If you genuinely understand why you are together, you can make it work.

I will love to end this article with what Apeke from Abuja said about long-distance relationship:

“It takes maturity and two sensible people to go into such relationship, I believe distance should not be a barrier to where your heart belongs.”

If you love someone and if being with them will accord you happiness, go for them, ignore the distance, after all, where one’s heart is, their treasure dwells there.

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7 Dangerous Things You Should Avoid In Your Relationship

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Building a good and lasting relationship may be difficult but you should begin with avoiding things that may damage your relationship.

Lovers may find it too difficult to maintain a steady relationship not because of their differences but because of some little problems that may break their relationships.

If you find it too difficult to manage your relationship, there are things you should start avoiding. These things are the causes of broken relationship because there is no way you can keep your relationship if those things are involved.

However, in order to maintain a lasting relationship, the following are the things you should avoid:

1) Lying : the only things lying does to a relationship is to damage the trust of one’s partner. If you’re not telling your partner the truth, he/she will find it difficult to build his trust in you. Lying leads to lack of confidence in one’s partner and this may lead to misunderstanding which may eventually lead to a broken relationship. Always learn how to say the truth even if your lover won’t be happy with you.

2) Lack of communication : “In a relationship when communication starts to fade, everything else follows” – anonymous. If you’re not consistent with communicating with your partner especially when he/she is far away he/she may suddenly lose interest in you. Learn how to communicate often in your relationship. With that your relationship will keep blooming. Others will even envy you. Lack of communication is really dangerous in a relationship, lovers should therefore avoid it!

3) Lack of trust : If you’re feeling too insecure about your lovers this is very dangerous and may lead to a sudden misunderstanding. I see no reason why we should go into a relationship with people we don’t trust. We shouldn’t even keep them as friends let alone planning to marry them. Trust is very essential in a relationship as it will boost your confidence about your partner. It will enable you to be free with your lovers at all level and it will make you avoid the influence of third party — such as gossips from your friends and rumours about your lovers.

4) Cheating This is one of the leading cause of a broken relationship and partners should start dealing with it. If you keep on cheating in your relationship, your partner will surely find out someday and this will eventually damage your relationship. No matter how small the relationship should be, cheating should be avoided at all levels of relationship. I see no reason of going into a relationship with someone we’re not satisfied with. If you love someone with big booty and big boobs, why not go after them instead of cheating? I’m not saying that should be a criteria for choosing your partner but to avoid lack of interest in your lover, you should go after your taste initially. Stay loyal with your lover, only then you will maintain a stable relationship.

5) Bad behavior: Bad behavior varies because what I consider bad may not be bad to you. But there are some behaviors which are not accepted by the society in which you find yourself. You may find it difficult to continue with your lover if he/she is smoking or drinking alcohol. Those acts are consider bad to you and the society with which you find yourself. If you’re into some bad acts that your partner doesn’t like, you should stop it in order to maintain a good relationship. Remember, relationship doesn’t bloom when there are traces of bad habit.

6) Anger: Build a mansion today then damage it tomorrow with your anger. We have heard of some issues of five year relationship which damaged because of uncontrollable anger. If you’re angry you should try not to speak because once a word is spoken it can’t be swallowed again — the word is an egg. So try to control yourself when you’re angry, this will not only help you maintain a good relationship but also help you to maintain a sound health.

7) Toxic friends or people: the aim of some people in your life is to hard salt to your wound — to make you unhappy. This is not new, people will come, making you feel bad about your lover — your spouse or your fiance. They will tell you about his/her pasts and reasons why you shouldn’t go into relationship with him/her, do not listen to them! Such people are dangerous! Anyone whose aim is to make you feel bad about your spouse is very dangerous and you should start avoiding them. If he/she hasn’t given you a good report about your lover before, avoid them! They’re only meant to damage your peace and your relationship with your partner. I wish us a thriving relationship as we observed these little tips!

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